Self-care or treat yourself?

In the past year or so, self-care has become a hot topic, particularly among the hoards of moms working from home with children who are schooling from home. The COVID crisis has held a magnifying glass over the disproportionate workload and mental load that many of these women carry, and has truly illuminated the necessity of self-care. Being in the wellness space, much of what I see on social media revolves around physical and mental health, and the messaging around self-care is mixed. The biggest issue I’m finding is the idea of self-care is often confused with idea of “treat yourself,” such that many people seem to think that by treating themselves, they’re doing acts of self-care, but more often than not, that’s not the case. In this post, I intend to explain the difference between self-care and treating yourself, discuss when treating yourself can be helpful, and shed some light on why knowing the difference between the two is important.

Before I move forward, let me start by saying that what I’m sharing my here is my belief, thought, and understanding. My authority on this subject extends to my graduate work in mental health counseling, and my continual focus on self-care with my clients in my coaching practice, but I’m by no means “the” authority on the subject (if there is such a thing.) Some of my thoughts may resonate with you, maybe others will feel uncomfortable. Take what you can from this in order to serve yourself better, and let the rest go.

Now that I have that out of the way, let’s jump in.

What’s the difference between self-care and treating yourself?

Self-care is what you do to feel and function your best mentally and physically. This includes things like getting adequate sleep, nourishment, and movement, taking time to connect with yourself and your surroundings through a mindfulness or spiritual practice, connecting with others in a healthy, balanced way, and doing healthy, positive things you enjoy. These are things that promote your health and well-being, and make a positive long-term impact. In the moment, they may or may not be things you feel like doing.

Treating yourself is doing something that feels good in the moment. A great way to think about treating yourself is that it’s the same thing as indulgence. Treating yourself is often more enjoyable than self-care, but can do some damage in the long-term, especially if it becomes a regular thing. Sometimes self-care and treating yourself overlap (I will give an example below), but not often.

It’s important to note that treating yourself is not necessarily a bad thing! I’m certainly not saying you should only do self-care and never treat yourself, or that one is bad, and that one is good. They are different, and should exist in a healthy balance. To illustrate the difference, and explain how you can do self-care and treating yourself in a healthy balance, I’m going to use a common example: a glass of wine and Netflix on a Friday night. When determining whether an action is self-care or treating yourself (or both), context is key.

Wine and Netflix as “Treat Yourself”

Let’s say you had a really tough week at work. You’ve been working on a stressful project, and things have been crazy at home too. You’ve closed your laptop for the weekend, put the kids to bed, and you are completely exhausted. You decide after a hard week that you deserve to cozy up with a glass of wine and Netflix.

This scenario is illustrating the act treating yourself — it is something that feels good at the time, but doesn’t serve you long-term. So what would self-care be in this case? Self-care would be going to bed! You’re exhausted! Going to bed and having that extra time to sleep is going to help you feel better in the morning and function better the next day because you will (hopefully) be well-rested. Wine and Netflix when you’re exhausted feels good while you’re doing it, but the next morning you’ll be tired yet again from staying up late, and the wine can negatively impact your sleep.

Wine and Netflix as Self-Care

For wine and Netflix to be an act of self-care, it needs to not get in the way of other basic care that your body needs (like sleep). A scenario for that might look like finishing up a week of work, eating a healthy dinner, putting your laptop away and your kids to bed, and sitting down to watch your favorite show with a glass of wine feeling awake and content — not exhausted. Your needs are met, and in this case, the wine and Netflix choice isn’t keeping you from doing something that would otherwise help you feel and function better. It’s just having some quiet time to yourself doing something you enjoy, which is self-care.

Looking at those two examples, you can understand why the difference between self-care and treating yourself can be confusing, and hopefully you can also see why it’s so important to distinguish one from the other. Let’s say you were continually treating yourself, thinking that you were doing self-care. You would in fact be getting in the way of your self-care, negatively impacting your mood and the functioning of your mind and body in the long run.

When is Treating Yourself Beneficial?

Treating yourself is great so long as your self-care is strongly in place and your needs are met. Treating yourself is just that - a treat - and is best reserved for special events and celebrations. If you’re treating yourself frequently, it’s not a treat — it’s a habit. Treating yourself becomes a problem when it’s something that’s being done to cope with difficult feelings or when it’s a regular justification to engage in unhealthy behaviors (wine can easily veer into that territory!) When you truly treat yourself, saving the treat for a special event or celebration, you can fully experience and enjoy the treat, and it becomes much more fulfilling.

This has been a tough year. If you’re reading this and realizing that you’re much more in the “treat yourself” realm and neglecting the self-care a bit, you’re not alone. The changes this year has brought about are challenging, and have brought up some really challenging feelings for a lot of people. If you’re trying to make yourself feel better, you are in good company. As you continue to try to feel your best, consider each decision you make. Is it self-care or treating yourself? What do you really need (not want!) right now? What decision will help you feel and function your best in the long run?

Choosing to engage in self-care is hard. When you spend the day feeling stuck, doing things you don’t want to do, self-care can sometimes feel like a burden rather than a benefit. When that happens, it helps to think about how you want to feel and function long-term, not just in the moment. If you’re struggling with self-care, download my free self-care journaling pack to help you get started and stay on track.