How do you feel about getting uncomfortable?
Take a moment to think about a personal or professional goal that you have been struggling with for a while. For most of my clients, the goal has been to lose weight, improve body composition, increase fitness, and improve overall health. Many of them have tried other interventions before including fad diets, diet programs, fitness programs, etc., but none of them have worked. Does this sound familiar to you? Maybe you keep trying to eat healthier, but somehow always push back the real work to “starting fresh” tomorrow, next week, as soon as you get back from vacation, or some other time that’s not right now. Maybe you keep telling yourself you’re going to go to the gym or to some exercise classes, but always find something else to fill your time. Maybe you want to take charge of bigger projects at work as you vie for a promotion, but then are wondering where your afternoon went when you checked your email on your phone and found yourself scrolling through Facebook an hour later.
Much of the time we know what we need to do, and much of the time what we need to do is very simple. Why then do we have so much trouble doing it? Why do we keep sabotaging ourselves?
We don’t want to get uncomfortable.
Yes, it’s that simple. You may be thinking but being overweight is uncomfortable. Being out of shape is uncomfortable. Feeling fatigued and puffy is uncomfortable. Being passed over for that promotion yet again is uncomfortable. Yes, those things are uncomfortable, but the behaviors we do that keep all of those undesirable things about ourselves in place are comfortable. For instance, eating “comfort foods” (usually unhealthy foods with lots of refined carbohydrates) when we feel depressed, ashamed, or more often anxious is comfortable because it keeps us from having to sit with those unpleasant feelings. Staying home and watching Netflix instead of working out is comfortable because it keeps us from putting physical demands on our bodies and entering a space where we may feel overwhelmed or self-conscious. Scrolling through social media in the middle of the afternoon at work is comfortable because it keeps us from having to face the overwhelm of a looming deadline, or another snarky email from that colleague that we can’t stand.
Our comfort zone consists of quick fixes – behaviors that make us feel better right away, but ultimately do us harm and make us feel worse later. It’s like taking a pain medication – it temporarily masks the feeling of pain (or shame, or anxiety, or sadness, or overwhelm) without addressing what’s actually causing the pain. As the extreme example of the opioid epidemic has shown us, it is so easy to become dependent on that pain medication to the point where we’re no longer doing it to feel better – we’re just doing it to not feel pain for a while. The macaroni and cheese, the Netflix, the wine, the news feed? Those are our pain medications, and we rely on them to mask the feelings we don’t want to feel. When those feelings come back, as they inevitably do, we take another dose, and another, and another, until we are left wondering why we are unhealthy, out of shape, unproductive, and still miserable. We temporarily feel better until our medication wears off, and we realize we never addressed the true cause of our pain.
How do we break this destructive cycle? It’s simple: we choose to get uncomfortable.
Simple – I keep using that word. Let’s take a moment to distinguish simple from easy. The solution to our problems is simple because it requires nothing more than a decision to act differently, and subsequent behaviors that are consistent with that choice. But it is most certainly not easy. If it were easy, we would all be achieving our goals without issue. Getting uncomfortable and choosing to build discipline is simple. Staying in the comfort zone is easy. That’s why most people have trouble getting out of their comfort zones.
If you are starting to feel a twinge of shame because upon reflection, you realize that you’ve been keeping yourself in your comfort zone, I encourage you to begin your journey of choosing discomfort right now and take a moment to sit with that feeling. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice what is going through your mind. Love yourself and give yourself grace and compassion and thank yourself for trying to protect you from unpleasant things. After you thank yourself for that protection, tell yourself that you no longer need that protection.
If you have decided that now is your time to start getting uncomfortable and start changing your life, you may be wondering how to begin. Below are some strategies:
1. Identify what’s uncomfortable for you. This is the stuff you can easily talk yourself out of doing. “I don’t feel like it” is a big indicator. The thing that you don’t feel like doing is what’s uncomfortable.
2. Change your mindset about discomfort. Humans are wired to avoid discomfort and choose things that bring us pleasure and comfort. Bearing that in mind, it is natural to think of discomfort as a bad thing and comfort as a good thing. Instead, switch them. See comfort – and the temptation to seek it out – as something undesirable that is holding you back. Regard discomfort as a welcome opportunity for growth and achievement.
3. Begin a mindfulness practice. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. Practicing mindfulness is like giving your brain a workout. You practice paying attention, staying in the moment, letting thoughts pass without becoming attached to them, and surfing urges. All these things are essential to being able to tolerate discomfort. As you encounter unpleasant feelings, you are much more likely to not run for some apple to pie to soothe you if you have been practicing becoming aware of that feeling, naming it, and letting it pass without becoming attached to it. Try meditating for 5 minutes at a time to start, maybe once when you wake up and once before you go to bed, or at a different time that works for you. Sit or lay down in a quiet space, put your phone on silent, and focus on your breath. When a thought comes into your head, notice it and then let it pass – don’t dwell on it. As you go through your day, pause to notice thoughts and feelings, especially when they begin to become intense. You can also pay attention to other sensations in the moment like how your body is feeling, where you’re carrying tension, how your food tastes, etc.
4. Notice your limiting, self-sabotaging thoughts and challenge them. As an example, here is the dialogue that you might have with yourself when you go to the gym and the class you wanted to take is full:
Oh well, I tried…I guess I can’t work out today after all.
Do a different workout – go on the treadmill, lift some weights, use some of the weight machines.
I can’t work out by myself.
Yes I can, I just prefer not to. I can do things that are not always my first choice.
I don’t know how to use the weight machines. I feel intimidated and overwhelmed.
Ask for help from someone who works at the gym or someone else who looks like they know what they’re doing.
OR
Oh well, I tried…I guess I can’t work out today after all.
Do a different workout.
My gym doesn’t have any other equipment. There are only classes here.
Take a different class.
I don’t like that other class. I prefer this one.
Good. This is an opportunity to get uncomfortable. Do it anyway.
5. Schedule things you need to do to meet your goals on your calendar and make those times non-negotiable. Plan a time and a backup time. For example, on Sunday, go through the fitness class schedule for the week and put the classes you want to attend on your calendar. Make sure you honor that appointment as you would honor a doctor appointment or a dinner engagement with a good friend. Have a backup plan in case there’s a problem with that class, like it’s full or you get stuck at work.
As you start to intentionally get uncomfortable, you’ll notice a few things:
1. Your mind will be your worst enemy for a while and will try to sabotage you at every turn by creating roadblocks in the form of excuses. When that happens, challenge them as shown in the example above. Be aware that this is a normal part of the process, and every time this happens, it is an opportunity for you to choose between taking the harder road towards discipline and achievement or taking the easy road right back to your comfort zone. Which road are you doing to choose?
2. It will not be easy or pleasant at first. Choosing to get uncomfortable in the name of changing your life for the better means that along the way, you have to encounter some really grizzly stuff. If you’re starting to work out, your body will be sore. If you’re starting to eat healthier, you will be craving all your go-to comforts with intensity you didn’t even know you could experience. If you’re trying to be more productive at work, that social media feed will be calling your name, beckoning you to see if you got just one more “like.” It also means that you will be sitting with some uncomfortable emotions and having to confront and come to terms with them because your pain medicine is gone. (More on this in an upcoming post.) See these hardships and experiences as part of the process and lean into them. Embrace them. They are a sign that you’re growing.
3. You will start seeing progress. If you start to get uncomfortable, and you remain consistent, you will start to see progress pretty quickly. Don’t get complacent. Continue to get uncomfortable as much as you can, and you will astound yourself with your accomplishments. You will get stronger, healthier, leaner, more productive, and you will feel amazing. Keep doing it. There are no limits to what you can do other than the ones you set for yourself.
4. You will feel better about yourself. When you choose to get uncomfortable, you choose to face those feelings that you’ve been masking for so long. You find that as you face them, they lose their power over you, and you realize that like everything else, they pass. The best part of this whole discomfort process is that every time you choose to turn away from the easy road that leads to your comfort zone, you become more confident in your ability to do so. You begin to treat yourself like somebody you love by showing yourself the same integrity as you show to the other people you love. As a result, your confidence, self-esteem, and self-efficacy soar, and you begin to truly love yourself.
5. You will begin to more easily identify excuses that hinder progress, and you become less tolerant of them. Excuses are what many people call “reasons.” These are limiting, self-sabotaging thoughts and beliefs that take us back to the comfort zone – things like the class was full so I couldn’t work out today or I’m going to a party this weekend so I’ll just start eating healthier on Monday. When you choose to get uncomfortable, you knock the legs out from under your excuses, and realize that if you want to meet your goal badly enough, you will make it work. Things like a full class or a party are small hurdles to overcome (and another opportunity for you to get uncomfortable), not a brick wall to halt all progress.
As you’re doing through this process, be sure to take some time at the end of each day to reflect. First, what did you accomplish today? We have no problem making a “to do” list of what we need to get done, but try making a “done” list at the end of the day. I started doing this several years ago, and it made an enormous difference in my life and happiness. I have a journal that I created just for this purpose called “Happy Lists.” Take a moment to bask in all the little things you did, and especially celebrate those things you did that were uncomfortable for you. Did you fold the laundry instead of letting it pile up for the sixth day in a row? Did you go to that exercise class that’s not your favorite? Did you choose some veggies and hummus over a bowl of ice cream? Acknowledge it and be proud! That’s progress!
Was it a rough day? Did you have some setbacks? Take time to reflect on what happened. What were the setbacks you experienced? What triggered them? Write down those triggers and what you did in response. Did you have a fight with your spouse and then eat an entire bag of chips? Seems like you’re eating to cope with unpleasant feelings. What can you do instead of reaching for the chips? Pick something that’s in line with your goals. Maybe instead of eating chips, you can take a few minutes to yourself and go out for a walk. Maybe you can spend 5 minutes running up and down the stairs and doing jumping jacks to burn off that stress. As you start to document these triggers and responses, you’ll find that patterns develop, and that a single replacement behavior you implement can apply to several different situations. Be sure to reflect on your setbacks without judgment – shaming or ridiculing yourself here will not help you get any closer to where you need to be. Simply use the setbacks as learning opportunities to see where you can do better tomorrow – then do better.
Above all, remember that at its core, this business of changing our lives by getting uncomfortable is a simple choice to do what is good for us over what is easy for us. This is not a choice we make once; it is a choice that we make each and every time we are presented with a comfortable way out of doing what we don’t feel like doing. This is a choice that brings us endless possibilities for growth if we let it. When we have setbacks -- when we choose the easy way -- all is not lost. We can choose differently in the next moment. Take a moment now to set an intention for yourself to get out of your comfort zone as much as you can every single day. Set the intention to seek out discomfort, embrace discomfort, conquer the discomfort, and to reap all the rewards that follow as a result. Set the intention to love yourself for the strong person you are becoming inside and out.